Utpal Jha

I have been guilty of not posting anything after my call with Tom and finally, i had my share of kick in the butt. Today on our call he told me that i needed more surrendering to do. i asked him how was it possible to surrender, does it involve will , an effort or it just the grace that finally guides us home. He paused for a bit and said, only devotion can be done but surrendering is not within our control. It will happen when the destiny of the body mind organism permits. This made me realize that i was not devoted to anything in my life. There was a big void cuz there was no purpose , void was waiting to be filled by love but i didn't know what love was He helped me realize that all along i was trying to surrender with an intention to escape from my everyday life responsibilities, which means i was being fucking lazy . This intention was very subtle. I was just not doing what needs to be done. Cuz there was no motivation to do it . There was no motivation to fulfill my wordly duties. I realized how fucked up of a guy i was who needed a sense of purpose to do even the basic human activities like calling family/friends , responding to phone calls or paying bills . All these activities required a lot of effort, all i wanted to do was nothing but unfortunately i had to do these to remain socially/psychologically relevant in our society. I thought this was how the life is gonna be, doing everything that you don't like doing. I needed to hold on to something otherwise i knew i was not going to live for a very long time and out of extreme need to escape this reality i got drawn to nondualism. It kept me alive and well but also further got me away from my everyday reality which i was avoiding all along. I was numb to my emotions and didn't feel anything. But after i talked with Thomas , i now realize that if every activities / responsibilities of life is perceived from love then all these responsibilities transforms into pleasurable activities. Love gives you purpose and i was lacking this purpose for a very long time . Now i know that everything that i am doing at this moment is the purpose of my life. It doesn't exist in the future. If i just lived my life the way it is , purpose would be surved. And everything is being done out of love which includes both the activities i love and also those i hate . Love for everything that is taking place which is completely acceptance of every moment , good or bad. I am grateful to Thomas for helping me to see this side of life. nothing in my life has changed , i am still the same lazy guy but the way i perceive people, sorrounding and myself has altered a bit. I am perceiveing through the lense of love and acceptance , not all the time but there are glimpses which are enough to convince me that there is a different way to live your life. Thanks for this journey.