Chris Alvino

I'm on a writing bender right now and decided I would get vulnerable with this group. For those who don't know me, I'm basically going blind in my eyes after having LASIK done several years ago. It's been hard to get used to as I'm a creative who works heavily with their eyes. My current profession is a coach. But I'm also a professional photographer, writer, and designer (among many other skills and professions I practice which require good eyesight). The last several years have been extremely hard emotionally for me. So many times I've cried in frustration at not being able to tell if my photos are in focus. I actively avoid using my laptop because the pain and frustration I feel at trying to focus on the screen can be unbearable at times. What I realized I've been doing is avoiding that pain as much as possible. And, in the avoidance of that pain, I've been making my life smaller and smaller. So, earlier this week, on a call with Thomas, I decided I would start embracing that pain so I could get back to writing because writing is one of my callings. And I did. I embraced that pain tonight... One of the most profound things I realized about this pain is it's not about my vision loss, at least, not entirely. When I embraced this pain, I found a lot of self-pity, yes, but also a lot of self-hate. I hate myself for not doing my due diligence before getting LASIK. I hate myself for trusting the doctors 100% and taking a laissez-faire attitude towards the procedure. There is a lot of hate towards myself in thinking I should have "known better". Embracing this pain and this hate is an act of self-love. I'm starting to feel it now. "I'm sorry about your eyes, Chris. It's not easy going through what you're going through. But I'm here for you and I love you." I'm also starting to recognize that the voice of self-hate in my head is not my own. That's my dad's voice. My dad is very judgmental and displays narcissistic personality traits. And the voice in my head is not mine, but his. My voice is the voice filled with love and acceptance. I was taught to hate myself, but that's not who I really am.